Love in the Time of Multi-Tasking

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After 20 years of partnership, I can call myself a couples’ therapy evangelist. Where I once assumed such measures a ‘hail mary’ in a time of crisis, I now consider the practice basic hygiene. With two kids and one million jobs, there’s no denying the undertow of complacency; I am not likely to run towards an emotional bid or a vulnerable conversation after spending the day taking care of everyone but myself. So for now, and maybe forever, my husband and I rely on our weekly, supervised time to say the things we can’t say on our own, to chip away at the patterns that take hold when life moves too fast and obligations swell overhead.

Family life requires endless planning and multi-tasking. Eager (and anxious) to check things off the list, I make decisions, book vacations and after school activities, then I find myself wondering why I am always the first of two parents to jump? My dizzying frenzy of proactivity can leave my partner feeling left behind and unconsidered, even as I try my best to anticipate his every need. It’s a “dance,” as you call it in couples’ therapy parlance, that sets resentment percolating on both sides. I see the same dynamic in the marriages of my fellow alpha-female, cisgendered, hetero friends the world over.

We could have swirled around in this codependent cyclone for eternity were it not for our therapist, the inimitable Hanne Steen. She prescribed a weekly date night that required us to alternate taking ownership over the planning. The rules of engagement occlude critical feedback, resistance, or input from the “off-duty” party, a challenge for two people who define themselves by their abundant opinions. At first discomfiting, this power-sharing model created an opportunity to rediscover one another’s particular interests (his: amateur comedy nights, mine: after hours at the Korean grocery store, for example), and for each of us to have a chance to be taken care of by the other. We got out of the habit of relying on expensive restaurant meals, and instead, invited the city back into our relationship.

With this in mind, I have partnered with Eventbrite to curate my Date Night Domination “It List,” a catalog of events in and around Los Angeles, from full moon nature walks to sound baths. Download the app to follow along. I’ll be adding to it consistently, and it’s all live today.

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